And then the baby sleeps, so i stay up worrying...sounds about right.

Last night was a poop sandwich. Eloquent, i know. It just was. Little cranky-muffin was up every hour on the hour...crying...i would get up, do the Mom thing (yes, this means still nursing an almost 18 month old, whatevs), put her down, tip-toe out of the room....literally whispering to myself, "please leave me alone now", then i proceeded to trip over the shopping cart the husband said we HAD to buy her. Just because she was cute pushing it at Target.

The cart and blurry #5

Then, *stand still, not breathing*....nothing noise-wise from the crib, i continue stealthily out of the room. Slloooooowly shut the door, go climb into bed. Husband explodes from a certain end. Mmm-hmm. Then i'm laying there, gagging, and squishing my eyes shut, trying to make myself go to sleep really fast.

Cranky-muffin is silent....i can sleep....Then it happens. The thinking. Did i pay whatever bill yet? (um, yeah, no, i did not) Cold wash of fear as i think that i totally did not buy curriculum for the next school year yet either. Are they at grade level? Maybe we should do school through the summer....Why did i say no to coloring with 6yr old? What was i even doing that was so important today! JUST COLOR WITH HER! Why did i angrily react to son re-enacting the entire Phillies game for me and saying, "right, mom? right?", about 50 thousand times? Who cares, he just wanted to talk and tell me about something he loves. Argh. Oh man, i know didn't spend enough time with 11yr old daughter, who will soon (because of me not spending time with her) not be interested in spending time with me, and will then spin in a downward circle of drug use and alcoholism. All because i didn't hang out with her, and talk about her favorite part in The Hunger Games. For the 800th time. My 8yr old daughter will surely grow up thinking she was unloved...because she is the quiet one, the one who does not get into trouble...so sometimes, i'm like, "wait...where IS she?"...and she's doing cartwheels in the backyard. And....here's the big one. I don't talk about God enough with them. We don't spend enough time reading the Bible, learning more, memorizing verses...we just don't. It's all my fault.

Why does night bring on this immense guilt about how i spent my day? So much so, that i can't even sleep! I started thinking about how last year at the pool we go to, a boy slipped on the high dive and fell into the pool - JUST missing the cement. And how that could have been my boy. And what if he falls today? What if he dies? And all i did was get annoyed with him, tell him to stop being loud, and i didn't kiss his sweaty boy face and hold his sweaty boy hand at night when we prayed, because he has driven me insane all day, and i just want it OVER with....i just want them all to go to bed, because i am "off the clock" mentally. I laid there crying. No joke. Just doing that silent, shaky, sobbing thing - my ears were full of tears, wet hair, wet pillow. Yikes. Good times.

But how do you do it....how do you live every day, every minute, in a loving way towards your kids? I WANT TO! i do. I love them more than anything. They are each a miracle, amazing, special...But wow. It is a really hard part of life! But i waaaaant to *whining*. I want to be that Mom, who is interested in everything, hugs constantly, never is short with the kids, never just goes, "yeah", or "mm-hmm" in THAT voice....you know the one. The kind of high, placating tone that your Mom might have made those same noises to YOU in as a kid...i just want to be present, you know? Enjoy them, where they are, in the moment. Not say, "ok, in a minute" - which i totally just said because 6yr old "needs" hot tea. :/ If something happens to me, i want them to remember i loved them SO much...not that i was some lady who screamed all the time. So that's it for now. I just want to work on this part of me...but i also want them to go to bed at 8:30pm and not speak to me until 8:30am. Hmm....
~Sue