So, part of the reason I have been pretty quiet on the blog lately (besides summer craziness) is because I've been spending a lot of time with a crazy, needle-happy dermatologist lately. You see, my hair has been falling out. Not I-just-had-a-baby-and-look-at-this-craziness level. No. Way, way worse than that. For months and months.
My mom went through radiation treatments to kill a brain tumor when I was kid. Her hair never really grew back in. The brain tumor disappeared, though, so I thought it was a pretty even trade. When I was a kid. And it was my mom. You know - not me. My mom died right after I graduated from college, in spite of the cancer cure, from the radiation damage done to her brain. Since my 10yo just asked me what it was like to be alive before women were allowed to vote, you know that was a Long, Long Time Ago. But then, this spring I saw my mom's face starting to show up in the mirror as I quickly walked past it, and I pretty much got hysterical. You see, I've pretty much been counting on my hair to carry me through life. And two weeks ago, the dermatologist gave me the results from a biopsy and there was no reason to calm down. Scarring Alopecia. Some people's immune systems start to attack their hair follicles and kill them. So you can't grow any more hair.
You go bald.
Maybe a delightful little fringe around the edges.
Even if you are a woman.
They don't know why it starts. Stress. Allergies. Some treatments might stop the hair loss, most don't.
But you can't grow any more hair.
Yes, I am not even a little bit ashamed to say that I could barely get out of bed for a few days after hearing this news, even if some of you right now are thinking "Well, at least it isn't cancer." It's only hair, right? But, I still have days that staying in bed is a big temptation. There are so many things just swirling around in my head.
#1) I am not really a vain person. At least, I didn't think I was. God couldn't transfer this diagnosis to somebody who Needs to Learn a Lesson?
#2) I have never even really WANTED to be one of those women whose sweet and gentle spirit is shining beautifully out of her face and making everybody forget what she really looks like. I never trust those people. They are too nice. Unsurprisingly, I don't think I'm close to being one of them, either.
#3) My husband has always been better looking than I am. And nicer. Yet he isn't going bald. And he COULD go bald and would not elicit horror-stricken stares that I am sure are coming my way. And he will probably now get sympathetic looks when he is w/ me.
#4) If I *am* going to end up looking like a freak show, it seems like I will have to start dressing more carefully. That seems like an unfair amount of work for a homeschooling mom AND counter-productive to what God would want if he really wants me to be focusing on that inner beauty thing. And I clearly have a lot of work to do on that front.
#5) Oh for crying out loud, it turns out I really am vain. So, now I'm going bald and I find out I'm a great big sucky hypocrite and pretty much not living by the faith that I claim to have.
Deep breath.
OK, here's what else I'm thinking (thanks in part to hours of crying on the phone with my two amazing sisters). I'm not sure I have the faith I need to get through this with God. God and I have been through some tough things. My mom had cancer. She was healed miraculously (and I don't write that lightly), and then died anyway. One of my closest friends got cancer and died. My house caught on fire. My marriage almost burned up along with it. And somehow I could still say with confidence that I am trusting God's plan and following Him. I still want to serve Him and glorify Him in whatever way I can. I would have said that He is my Faith. But now, . . . I just feel broken. I'm not sure how to even pray in faith about this. Do I pray for healing? For God to "use this for His glory"? (Perhaps you can tell by the quotation marks that I might have some less-than-faith-filled thoughts about that.) So, maybe He has been my Religion. Maybe He is somebody I've just been paying lip service to, while I go on about my daily busy-ness.
You know how sometimes you hear the same song over and over on the radio and you start to wonder if you're supposed to be hearing a Message or what??? Well, I can't even begin to tell you how many times over the past 2 weeks I have heard Amy Grant sing "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. How beautiful, the mess we are." And guess what? I AM a great big mess. About as far from a beautiful mess as can be. But perhaps I do have some things I can learn. Perhaps God does see me as beautiful. Perhaps this is the end of my Religion and the beginnings of Faith. Maybe what I really thought was me being weak before was me finding ways to stand on my own and being proud of what I thought God had taught me and that I had learned so well. See all of that self in there? Perhaps I need to lose my hair to stop claiming credit for God's work in my life. But you know what? I would still rather have pretty hair. So, this is obviously just the beginning of my journey.
~Stephanie
I just love this....I don't have anything else wise or spiritual to say, but i think this is awesome.
ReplyDeleteMy heart feels for you right now! I know I cannot even beging to imagine how you are feeling but my practical side is coming out right now just to say that there are some pretty amazing and real looking wigs out there now. And bonus - you'll never have to use a hair dryer again (well maybe you never used one but I have such a hate-hate relationship with the hair dryer that to me it would be a bonus!). I will definitely be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteAlso side note - just noticed that my old truck is in the background of the picture of you 3 :)
I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head but let me first say that I am soooooo sorry! That stinks big time!!!!!!!!! I would freak out just like you if that were happening to me. Argh, how terrible and frustrating and annoying. I think you are very brave to write about it when you are still processing everything. I tend to be unable to write with any coherency when I am in the middle of a crisis.
ReplyDeleteOk, now on to some thoughts. If any of this is unhelpful just disregard it and know it was well intended! I in no way want to seem like I have any real answers for you. These are just random friendly suggestions, ok?
So the first thing I thought of when reading this post is that hair is kindof a big deal. A big enough deal for a woman that I think it is worth "grieving." You need to grieve your hair. People need to grieve the loss of all kinds of big things. I realized this when I had to give up all wheat and so many of the foods I love. I did this permanently, and it was a serious grieving process to have peace about it and deal with the new me. I think you will probably have to go through a similar process regarding your hair. God isn't lost. He's there during the grief, but sometimes He feels really far away and like He doesn't care. Don't make big guesses about how you are feeling and what that does/doesn't mean for your faith. As your friend I can tell you that isn't something very nice to be doing to yourself. Give this time to settle. Give yourself time to grieve and process and move forward. And then evaluate where you are. Don't do this over a course of weeks, but rather give yourself months or years. Go easy on yourself. You are a great mom, friend, and a faithful child of God. You are just rightfully grieving the loss of something about your body that is a big deal!
Ok, now that I've gotten that out of my system, from a fashion perspective, have you looked into wigs? or scarves? I've always wanted to wear cool head scarves with dangling earings! I think you are going to have to reasses your wardrobe and accessories with your new look in mind, but it could be fun to look a bit more done up, wear some fun earings, maybe wear make-up daily?, etc. You won't be spending time on your hair, so you will have some time for these other steps to make yourself look put together. You are right that it will take more effort, but I don't think it will be a huge effort, and you may have fun with your new look. Perhaps you need some time to do this for yourself, to really embrace your new look.
Again, I'm so sorry and please know I will be praying for you!
Stephanie, I am crying with you. Really. You brought me to tears. I had no idea you were struggling with something this serious. All the while going about the business of canning thousands of peaches, tomatoes, etc etc. You are AMAZING! I love you. If there is anyway I can help, like wig or hat shopping, please let me! I will begin praying today! Thank you for being so open, transparent and vulnerable with us.
ReplyDeleteStephanie...I wish we lived closer...so much of what you said is what I've been living the past year. For totally different reasons, but I can feel your pain, I ask your questions, I think the same thoughts and I too have had to fight not to just stay in bed some days. I'm so sorry you are going through this and besides the obvious-I hope you see the other side of this struggle soon. The part we don't always get to see but it's so great when we do-the part where we go, "Oh! That's why you had all this happen, God. Ok-I get it now." So glad you have strong friends to pray with your and help you through. Love, Shannon
ReplyDeleteTotally made me cry. And, btw you truly are one of the bravest people I know. I count it an honor to be by your side as your friend as you continue to process this. Praying
ReplyDeleteFirst I have to say I finally got to sign is as a member! I think and as a blogger?? gosh I have no idea what I just did haha. but that's not surprising since half of the time it seems that way!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, to the point, right? Stephanie, have I ever tell you how amazing, awesome, you are!? if not, well, YOU ARE. I cant imagine going through something like that! and I too considerer myself a no vain person until I have to face something that makes me realize that yes indeed we all are vain of some kind :( .
So, Stephanie, I may not know you personally but I know that definitely you wont be facing this alone, you have strong, awesome crazy unique friends that will help you! and of course your husband and great kids that will continue to see the beautiful woman in Christ that you are,!! hair or not hair we are a creation of His image! and the love that the ties of family represent will keep you stronger and more beautiful than ever!!!
When trials come to face me (which it seem to often lately ;) I think of 1 Corinthias 10:13 "no temptation has seized you except what is common to men. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond, what you can bear.But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it"
I have to tell you that I do think and believe and is not the first time I share this though of mine; that Yes, we are tempted or putting in trials beyond what we can bear so that we will really be known for sure if we belong to Christ or not.. if our Jesus is all for us or not... if what we have is religion or faith.. and many times we fall in the I'm for JESUS PLUS___ (fill the blank) when it should be always a straight answer Yes, Im for Jesus plus nothing else!! but once again if we fall He pick us and carry us every time we call on him because like Lamentations 3:22-23 teach us "because the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Stephanie, you can go through this because regardless of what your thoughts, struggles and feeling are right now, deep in your heart you know HIM and his Mighty power and Healing will be with you as you walk this journey, yes it wont be easy, i cant imagine it being easy :)! but I know for the little I know of you that you have Relationship, not religion. :) .. And I will be your prayer warrior!
Thank you for your honesty and transparency as you write! keep looking up! His plans are always better and bigger!!
love in Him,
Patricia
Dear Stephanie, my 'beautiful mess' friend (and I say that lovingly with a huge hug and tears), God has been with you, is with you, and will always be with you. Your gift of writing is an instrument - for others to read God's story in the life of a follower; and hopefully it is also helping you spill out your fears, doubts, and faith. We are with you, as fellow "messes", supporting you in prayer and hope. Love you!
ReplyDeleteBrenda