Living in fear. Like, making a home there, and putting up curtains.

Last night, i couldn't sleep. I just was laying there, staring at the clock. 2:35-2:36-2:37. Should i just go clean? Reorganize the bill and calendar box? Pretty sure 11yr old left dishes FULL of food in her attic bedroom from the playdate on Monday. I've been asking her every day to bring them down. I didn't do the dishes in the sink last night. It might be nice tomorrow, and i can't open the windows because spiders have made a home in the screens. What if one of my kids gets sick? What if I get sick? What if the husb trips at training today and falls off a mountain? (don't worry, my dear Mother in Law, he won't:) ) What will i do with my LIFE when all my kids leave me? I don't want them to leave me. I won't be able to blame anyone but me for the house. Because lets face it, it's probably 35% kids 15% husb, and 50% my laziness.

I want to do everything right, and i don't.
I want to help people more, but i'm tired or i don't want the obligation.
I want to be nice. I'm not.
I want to be encouraging to others. That would require me to be more friendly.
I want to be a rockstar at homeschool, but it is SO. MUCH. WORK. I hate math.
I don't want to be the grownup.
I want the kids to have an amazing, happy childhood, and i think i am failing at that.
...will they just remember me sighing REALLY loudly and mournfully, see THAT look of disappointment on my face, while i look out the window at the "fort" they are excitedly showing me, that is in full view of the street? The fort made of yarn, paper, and lawn furniture tied into a giant knot.

When i take the time to fold the laundry, have them come get their pile, and i walk past their room and see they threw it on the floor...i can feel IT bubbling up. Anger, worthlessness, sadness. I feel like i have friends who are able to laugh at these things. And i just want to go on a rampage, throwing things, ripping down curtains - go all Hulk on them. Because THAT would teach them. Riiiight. It's laundry. WHO. CARES. But in the moment, i suuuper care.

I'm just tired of fear being the base of so much of my day.
Fear that i am failing as a Mom, when my kids couldn't care less - they remember the same things i remember about my Mom, hugs, big breakfasts, laughing, crafts, reading books, the best holidays ever, 16 kinds of Christmas cookies, and being in an amazing environment of love.
Fear that i am failing as a wife, because he had to find his own socks, or the weight i gained...again, or the house wasn't pretty when he got home, or i don't know what's for dinner yet. My husband couldn't care less. He is a million percent happy with me. Why do i put all this on myself??
Fear that i am failing at school with my kids. Because i still am not ready to commit to the school year yet. Because i usually don't know what the heck other homeschool Mom's are talking about with curriculum (and, i will admit, it's because i don't want to). Because my kids aren't named Moses-Ezekiel and Hadassah-Mary, and they don't speak Greek and do advanced calculus at 4 years old. SO WHAT! I swear, i spend so much time making up fears for myself, then feeling like i don't fit in anywhere, it's totally ridiculous. The homeschool "society" in general is the most friendly, accepting group ever. I put this on myself. I do.
Fear of my own laziness. Now this is legit. 2 legit 2 quit. And it's going to be a battle.

*disclaimer: i will never, ever be one of the super moms who likes to be busy, so don't pray for that. i love being home with my kids and husband! i don't want to be busy every day. ever. it makes me sweaty and angry.

I am scared God will test me in life. I am terrified it's in His plan to take one of my kids early. And i will have to be that strong, Christian woman. I don't think i can do that. AND I DON'T WANT TO BE TESTED ON IT!!! I don't. I should want to. There are Bible verses on that stuff. But i want to live happily every after, go to Disney, and have passable smart kids with little or no effort. Oh, and have someone stop by, see our cute little family, and just give us $50,000. Just because we are so great.

All i'm really saying today is somehow, i want to stop being afraid of things. Like afraid to the point where i don't want to leave my home, or anyone to take my kids anywhere (koo-koo!!). Because somehow, my home is a safety bubble where nothing will go wrong?? That's not true! I TRULY want to replace my fear, inadequacies, and ridiculous worry with God. I always say this, but i feel like i'm always waiting for "it" to start....the perfect that is totally going to fall into my lap. I need to work for it. MAKE it happen. And stop being afraid.

Because fear is boring.
And no one likes a boring girl:)

Thanks for reading my rant...and Happy Thursday:)
~Sue

p.s. i'm not crazy. i'm not depressed. i'm not in need of "special help". blogging is how i work things out. please don't call 911 or stop by without texting, you will see me with makeup smooshed all over my face, sweats with a blown out crotch, and a tee shirt with no bra. and THAT is not good. no one needs that sight burned into their brain. i'm fine. you can just pray for me to stop being a lazy, fearful, whacko! unless you are bringing me donuts. leave them on the porch.

Top Ten Reasons Why I'm Glad Summer's Ending

Sunset in the Florida Keys while on a 14 yr. anniversary date with my hubby

As the sun sets on summer <sigh> I now must make my list about why it is so lovely that it is all coming to an end....<ahem>

Top Ten Reasons Why I'm Glad Summer's Ending

10. It won't be so hot. 

(Nevermind... we live in NJ & it could be hot until November...)

9.The kids can't wait to start school. 

Um... no, they can wait...

8.There are so many yummy Fall foods to look forward to. 

Oh wait... then, I will gain some more 

unnecessary pregnancy pounds...

<sigh> So, it's settled.  I can not go on with this list.

I'm really sad that summer is ending. 

Really.

Top Ten Reason Why I'm Sad Summer's Ending

10. I really do love the summer even if it is hot. 

9. My house is cleanest in the summer, so it only goes downhill from here.

8. I have to spend less time reading "fun" books like 

"The Hunger Games" and spend more time reading... curriculum.

7. I have to start nesting again, because the baby needs a bedroom.

6. I have SO much work to do with my business, home, school, and church.

5. My schedule is about to intensify. 

4. I'm at the point in the pregnancy where I'm remembering how little sleep I have left before I embark on the journey of endless sleeplessness for an undetermined amount of time. 

3. Though I am passionate about home educating my children and my children generally like homeschool, the thought of school beginning is still not a fun thought right after we've returned from a fantastic, relaxing vacation.

2. I will be gaining more weight over the next few weeks from delicious Fall foods that I love, and the pounds might take a while to come off.

1. The baby- though we might have atleast narrowed it down- still remains nameless until my husband and I can come to an agreement.

Really, when I think about it,

I'm just lamenting that I have to be a grown-up after returning from such a relaxing, worry-free vacation. 

I like being a grown-up... sometimes...maybe... 

Just not when the summer is ending...:)

My hubby and littlest guy fishing on vacation.

~Michelle

Losing My Religion . . . or Hair; no, what I really mean is my hair

So, part of the reason I have been pretty quiet on the blog lately (besides summer craziness) is because I've been spending a lot of time with a crazy, needle-happy dermatologist lately.  You see, my hair has been falling out.  Not I-just-had-a-baby-and-look-at-this-craziness level.  No.  Way, way worse than that.  For months and months.

My mom went through radiation treatments to kill a brain tumor when I was kid.  Her hair never really grew back in.  The brain tumor disappeared, though, so I thought it was a pretty even trade.  When I was a kid.  And it was my mom.  You know - not me.  My mom died right after I graduated from college, in spite of the cancer cure, from the radiation damage done to her brain.  Since my 10yo just asked me what it was like to be alive before women were allowed to vote, you know that was a Long, Long Time Ago.  But then, this spring I saw my mom's face starting to show up in the mirror as I quickly walked past it, and I pretty much got hysterical.  You see, I've pretty much been counting on my hair to carry me through life.  And two weeks ago, the dermatologist gave me the results from a biopsy and there was no reason to calm down.  Scarring Alopecia.  Some people's immune systems start to attack their hair follicles and kill them.  So you can't grow any more hair.


You go bald.


Maybe a delightful little fringe around the edges.


Even if you are a woman.


They don't know why it starts.  Stress.  Allergies.  Some treatments might stop the hair loss, most don't.


But you can't grow any more hair.


Yes, I am not even a little bit ashamed to say that I could barely get out of bed for a few days after hearing this news, even if some of you right now are thinking "Well, at least it isn't cancer."  It's only hair, right?  But, I still have days that staying in bed is a big temptation.  There are so many things just swirling around in my head.
#1) I am not really a vain person.  At least, I didn't think I was.  God couldn't transfer this diagnosis to somebody who Needs to Learn a Lesson?
#2) I have never even really WANTED to be one of those women whose sweet and gentle spirit is shining beautifully out of her face and making everybody forget what she really looks like.  I never trust those people.  They are too nice.  Unsurprisingly, I don't think I'm close to being one of them, either.
#3) My husband has always been better looking than I am.  And nicer.  Yet he isn't going bald.  And he COULD go bald and would not elicit horror-stricken stares that I am sure are coming my way.  And he will probably now get sympathetic looks when he is w/ me.
#4) If I *am* going to end up looking like a freak show, it seems like I will have to start dressing more carefully.  That seems like an unfair amount of work for a homeschooling mom AND counter-productive to what God would want if he really wants me to be focusing on that inner beauty thing.  And I clearly have a lot of work to do on that front.
#5) Oh for crying out loud, it turns out I really am vain.  So, now I'm going bald and I find out I'm a great big sucky hypocrite and pretty much not living by the faith that I claim to have.

Deep breath.

OK, here's what else I'm thinking (thanks in part to hours of crying on the phone with my two amazing sisters).  I'm not sure I have the faith I need to get through this with God.  God and I have been through some tough things.  My mom had cancer.  She was healed miraculously (and I don't write that lightly), and then died anyway.  One of my closest friends got cancer and died.  My house caught on fire.  My marriage almost burned up along with it.  And somehow I could still say with confidence that I am trusting God's plan and following Him.  I still want to serve Him and glorify Him in whatever way I can.  I would have said that He is my Faith.  But now, . . . I just feel broken.  I'm not sure how to even pray in faith about this.  Do I pray for healing?  For God to "use this for His glory"?  (Perhaps you can tell by the quotation marks that I might have some less-than-faith-filled thoughts about that.)  So, maybe He has been my Religion.  Maybe He is somebody I've just been paying lip service to, while I go on about my daily busy-ness.

You know how sometimes you hear the same song over and over on the radio and you start to wonder if you're supposed to be hearing a Message or what???  Well, I can't even begin to tell you how many times over the past 2 weeks I have heard Amy Grant sing "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody.  How beautiful, the mess we are."  And guess what?  I AM a great big mess.  About as far from a beautiful mess as can be.  But perhaps I do have some things I can learn.  Perhaps God does see me as beautiful.  Perhaps this is the end of my Religion and the beginnings of Faith.  Maybe what I really thought was me being weak before was me finding ways to stand on my own and being proud of what I thought God had taught me and that I had learned so well.  See all of that self in there?  Perhaps I need to lose my hair to stop claiming credit for God's work in my life.  But you know what?  I would still rather have pretty hair.  So, this is obviously just the beginning of my journey.

~Stephanie

The Summer Spin Cycle

OK, has anybody figured out yet that I am not the biggest fan of summer?  I sweat a lot, and don't like to sweat, so there's that.  There are crazy levels of activities, and I am a homebody.  But I do have a love/hate relationship with one part of summer: home canning.

I realize I might be speaking a foreign language right now to some of you.  But I grew up in rural Pennsylvania (HEAVEN! as I like to call it) in what was in many ways an old-fashioned way to grow up.  Plus, it apparently was a Long, Long Time Ago, since my 10yo thinks I was born before women could vote.  (Yeah, I'm not letting that go any time soon.)  So I grew up helping my mom make jam and jelly and canning green beans and peaches and pears and pretty much any fruit we wanted to eat over the winter.  I also grew up with an extremely frugal mom who thought fresh fruit was too expensive to buy in the winter.  Sigh.  Anyway.

So this is how I view summer:
end of May: Strawberry Season.  Get busy because it comes earlier in south Jersey and I'm still trying to do school w/ the kids.  But wait, south Jersey strawberries aren't that great so I need to make at least one trip up to PA to get some yummy, small, mouth-wateringly tasty strawberries from the Amish/Mennonite farmers who live around my Grandma.  Then go home and start making jam.  This year: 4 batches, 2 in which I forgot to add pectin, which is what makes your jam and jelly set, meaning I have 2 batches of strawberry syrup and 2 batches of jam.  Oh well.  Any child that complains WILL be given an extra chore to do.  So there.



It doesn't look like enough for a year, does it?  Hmmmm . . .

June: the crazy rush of berries.  This year I found a place close by where we could pick black raspberries.  This is a rare find in south Jersey.  (Heaven has them growing wild everywhere.)  So we spent time picking raspberries and making raspberry jam and jelly.  This year: 1 batch of black raspberry jam (that means w/ the seeds), 2 batches of red raspberry/black raspberry jelly.  At this point in the summer my daughter started signing her name as "Stirrer, Spreader and Consumer of M.A.D. (Mother and Daughter) Jam, Inc. - that's the company that's incorporated not the jam."  I sure do love that funny girl!

Also in June, going through July: blueberries.  My husband went vegan about a year ago.  All of the kids consider frozen blueberries w/ a little bit of milk poured over them a big treat.  Last year I froze 40 pounds and we ran out in December.  So, starting in mid-June, I bought one 20 pound box a week and washed and froze them.  Ideally I would like to pick (or buy) organic ones in bulk, but I'm in get-'er-done mode, and it's more important to me just to get tasty fruit that is better than what I can get in the grocery store in the middle of winter.  This year I believe I got 100 pounds, but I did give some away to my dad and my grandma, so probably I only have 80 pounds left in my freezer.

This is only a small part of the 80lbs.  It was hard
to find room for them, what with all the ice cream.

Also in June, going through July and August: my husband's garden starts producing zucchini.  He grates this and puts it in quart bags in the freezer.  SUCH a huge blessing in the middle of winter when I make zucchini-carrot quiche.  Seems a bit of a trial in the middle of summer when I'm busy with other things.  :)

60 quart bags - about as exciting to look at
in person as they are in the photo.  ;)

Then, August.  The Spin Cycle has me in its grip.  It is that crazy, last, flying burst of activity that won't stop until September hangs me up to dry.  Peaches. Tomatoes. Canning.  We have a gas stove-top and our gas bill doubles this month.  It is worth every penny, though!  This food is far tastier than anything we get in the grocery store.  It's not as cheap as the super-cheap, low-quality stuff you can buy w/ a zillion coupons, but this year we calculated the peaches are about 1/4 the price of the quality stuff that we buy.  So far we have 60 jars of peaches in the pantry, and plans for 20 more.  Tomatoes are coming on Monday.  Hello, heart-healthy tomato sauce.

Sunshine in a jar!

Have I mentioned that I look forward to September?

~Stephanie