Losing My Religion . . . or Hair; no, what I really mean is my hair

So, part of the reason I have been pretty quiet on the blog lately (besides summer craziness) is because I've been spending a lot of time with a crazy, needle-happy dermatologist lately.  You see, my hair has been falling out.  Not I-just-had-a-baby-and-look-at-this-craziness level.  No.  Way, way worse than that.  For months and months.

My mom went through radiation treatments to kill a brain tumor when I was kid.  Her hair never really grew back in.  The brain tumor disappeared, though, so I thought it was a pretty even trade.  When I was a kid.  And it was my mom.  You know - not me.  My mom died right after I graduated from college, in spite of the cancer cure, from the radiation damage done to her brain.  Since my 10yo just asked me what it was like to be alive before women were allowed to vote, you know that was a Long, Long Time Ago.  But then, this spring I saw my mom's face starting to show up in the mirror as I quickly walked past it, and I pretty much got hysterical.  You see, I've pretty much been counting on my hair to carry me through life.  And two weeks ago, the dermatologist gave me the results from a biopsy and there was no reason to calm down.  Scarring Alopecia.  Some people's immune systems start to attack their hair follicles and kill them.  So you can't grow any more hair.


You go bald.


Maybe a delightful little fringe around the edges.


Even if you are a woman.


They don't know why it starts.  Stress.  Allergies.  Some treatments might stop the hair loss, most don't.


But you can't grow any more hair.


Yes, I am not even a little bit ashamed to say that I could barely get out of bed for a few days after hearing this news, even if some of you right now are thinking "Well, at least it isn't cancer."  It's only hair, right?  But, I still have days that staying in bed is a big temptation.  There are so many things just swirling around in my head.
#1) I am not really a vain person.  At least, I didn't think I was.  God couldn't transfer this diagnosis to somebody who Needs to Learn a Lesson?
#2) I have never even really WANTED to be one of those women whose sweet and gentle spirit is shining beautifully out of her face and making everybody forget what she really looks like.  I never trust those people.  They are too nice.  Unsurprisingly, I don't think I'm close to being one of them, either.
#3) My husband has always been better looking than I am.  And nicer.  Yet he isn't going bald.  And he COULD go bald and would not elicit horror-stricken stares that I am sure are coming my way.  And he will probably now get sympathetic looks when he is w/ me.
#4) If I *am* going to end up looking like a freak show, it seems like I will have to start dressing more carefully.  That seems like an unfair amount of work for a homeschooling mom AND counter-productive to what God would want if he really wants me to be focusing on that inner beauty thing.  And I clearly have a lot of work to do on that front.
#5) Oh for crying out loud, it turns out I really am vain.  So, now I'm going bald and I find out I'm a great big sucky hypocrite and pretty much not living by the faith that I claim to have.

Deep breath.

OK, here's what else I'm thinking (thanks in part to hours of crying on the phone with my two amazing sisters).  I'm not sure I have the faith I need to get through this with God.  God and I have been through some tough things.  My mom had cancer.  She was healed miraculously (and I don't write that lightly), and then died anyway.  One of my closest friends got cancer and died.  My house caught on fire.  My marriage almost burned up along with it.  And somehow I could still say with confidence that I am trusting God's plan and following Him.  I still want to serve Him and glorify Him in whatever way I can.  I would have said that He is my Faith.  But now, . . . I just feel broken.  I'm not sure how to even pray in faith about this.  Do I pray for healing?  For God to "use this for His glory"?  (Perhaps you can tell by the quotation marks that I might have some less-than-faith-filled thoughts about that.)  So, maybe He has been my Religion.  Maybe He is somebody I've just been paying lip service to, while I go on about my daily busy-ness.

You know how sometimes you hear the same song over and over on the radio and you start to wonder if you're supposed to be hearing a Message or what???  Well, I can't even begin to tell you how many times over the past 2 weeks I have heard Amy Grant sing "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody.  How beautiful, the mess we are."  And guess what?  I AM a great big mess.  About as far from a beautiful mess as can be.  But perhaps I do have some things I can learn.  Perhaps God does see me as beautiful.  Perhaps this is the end of my Religion and the beginnings of Faith.  Maybe what I really thought was me being weak before was me finding ways to stand on my own and being proud of what I thought God had taught me and that I had learned so well.  See all of that self in there?  Perhaps I need to lose my hair to stop claiming credit for God's work in my life.  But you know what?  I would still rather have pretty hair.  So, this is obviously just the beginning of my journey.

~Stephanie