Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Homeschooling Smarty Pants Mama

OK, so first, a confession: I have never actually read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I'm just good at faking cultural/literary references.  For this very useful skill I would like to thank my mom and my dad for completely sheltering me as I grew up in rural Pennsylvania (which I like to call HEAVEN!!!! every chance I get) while at the same time letting me read pretty much anything that was in our house.  Which was a lot.  And of an odd variety.  However, I never got to Dr. Jekyll.  Probably because I was too busy trying to finish the unabridged version of War and Peace before I graduated from middle school.  Or maybe it was Anna Karenina.  Yep, I'm bragging.  Or sounding pathetic.  Whichever.

Anyway.  I took issue w/ my wonderful friend Michelle's recent lament and thought what could be more fun than stirring up some strife, smackdown, trash talk reasoned debate on the blog.  :)  It should be very clear to our blog readers that ONE of us here on the blog does not like summer.  I am frequently mocked and maligned for this point of view, but I will say it again: summer is hot, chaotic, busy, you sweat a lot, and you wear less clothing.  None of this is good by itself and put together it is just torture.  This does not mean that settling down and looking forward to fall is the mature thing to do, however!!  No!!!  It should also be very clear that I have no more claim to maturity than the other 2 crazy moms who are part of this . . . oh wait, that doesn't sound quite right . . . hmmmmm . .  . umm, never mind.

Let me get back to my point.  Yes, I have one. 

This seems to be the time of year when my homeschooling friends in particular are falling into two categories.  (Note that I am carefully not saying which is Dr. Jekyll and which is Mr. Hyde.)  There are the people who are pining after summer even before it's left.  They are saying things like "But I don't WANNA be a grown up and start up school w/ my kids!"  "Summer is so much fun, I just want to punch fall in the throat!"  And my favourite, "I need more ice cream and homemade hot fudge sauce!"  They are checking Target for stretchy pants and tossing their jeans into the back of the closet.  I'm not calling anybody out here.  If the stretchy pants fit, than you know who you are.

Then there is the opposite camp.  These people are cleaning and organizing and selling old curriculum and holding yard sales of outgrown clothing and homemade aprons their children have hand knitted while memorizing the book of Revelation and planning and planning and TALKING about planning their school year.  Every school planner/school curriculum/kid chore system on the market place is discussed and the many ways to use them.  They wonder aloud if they are doing enough or committing the cardinal sin of overscheduling.  Perhaps they dust off their copy of Confessions of an Organized Housewife and peruse it as a refresher.  Or perhaps they give it to a friend.  (Note that I am carefully not admitting to owning this book and am definitely not outing any possible friend who might or might not have been on the receiving end of my generousity.)  They are probably excusing this behaviour by calling themselves geeks.  Or smart.  Once again, not calling anybody out here!  Just, look down next to your computer and see if there is a homemade school planner there.  Then take step #1 and admit you have a problem.

I freely admit that I drank the Planning Potion.  For 3 weeks or more in August, I was determined to finally get my school planning done RIGHT.  I bought a homeschool planner, started studying the directions, and came to find out that I was supposed to spend a day praying about my homeschool year before I continued on w/ my school planning.  OK, great!, I can do that.  The day after I decided to do that I lost the planner.  (Well, actually my husband lost it, just to keep the debate around my house lively.)  Prayer did NOT help at that point.  So then I rushed around (most of the rushing looked like me sitting on the couch and staring into space w/ a concentrated frown on my face) and tried to make my own planner.  I couldn't even figure out how to get past Monday, 10AM.  I had 1) Devotional w/ kids, 2) Math with .  . .?  I mean, there are FOUR kids running around my house.  I'm not even sure if all of them eat breakfast every day.

Finally, enough was enough.  I mean, three weeks of this?  My sanity was at stake.  One of my sisters said I should stop waiting until I got my plan perfected (clearly she was not aware of how close I was), and just get started.  So, since I use a very easy, scripted (that means a book tells me what to say) writing program, I started doing that with at least 2 kids each day.  No, I wasn't Susan Wise Bauer yet, but I was on the road.  Back in the game.  Finding my groove.  Yee haw!

Then I stole a bright pink binder from my daughter (just in case my husband helped me organize again).  And I wrote down all of the subjects that each of my kids needed to do.  This sounds like a no-brainer, but I would always forget SOMETHING.  Until 11 that night, at which point I would say something like "Rats, I forgot to make the kids do math today!"  Although I would often choose to say that silently in my own head, since I don't like to "debate" with my husband all *that* frequently.  And then I would lie awake all night worrying about how I was failing my kids and myself and that Susan Wise Bauer would kick me off the Well-Trained Mind forum.  (wait, is this tmi?  and is it more or less pathetic than the Tolstoy brag?) 

I divided the subjects for my 2 oldest with a fancy slanted line because my goal is to do skill subjects like math and language arts in the morning and content subjects like history and science in the afternoon.  (Sounds intellectual, doesn't it? I copied it from somebody else.  Yes, she's on the Well-Trained Mind forum.)  I put this fancy paper with my super crafty color-coded writing into the front of my binder, along with a pocket for my color-coded pens.  If you look carefully, you will see that I had to list things for my 4yo like puzzles and games because when faced w/ a little-person-demand to watch tv I would say something brilliant like "ummmmmm, uhhhhh, No. You can, ummmmm . . ." and then I would forget that I was in the middle of a conversation and wander off in a fog and he would take a screwdriver and conduct an experiment to validate his hypothesis on the structure and stress analysis of drywall and then I would wander back in to find him standing next to some new holes in my living room wall and I would get all mad and scold and threaten and then be all "YES you can go watch Little Einsteins.  Just be quiet!!  And no more holes in the drywall!!!"

Not impressed by my homeschooling genius yet?  Well, I use Sonlight Curriculum for my history and literature, and my next breakaway from my planning paralysis was when I discovered they have simple blank schedule pages in the back of their Instructor's Guide for me to copy.  So I copied a bunch and put them in my binder, along with a yellow sticky note that reminds me of the extra books I want to read with my kids while they bicker eat lunch.  I'm a bit of a book-a-holic, and I was forgetting to read all of these great books I have sitting on my shelf just waiting for lunchtime! 

So now, each week I fill out what I have to accomplish.  Not necessarily page numbers or specific books to read, but just the general, make sure you do math every day kind of stuff.  Although I have started making little notes to myself about page numbers where we stopped, or the book we just finished.

Simple.  Not super-planned.  But I love it.

I'm getting school done.  Spending time with 4 of my favourite people in the world and seeing them once again as People and not Subjects Who Will Not Fit Into My Plan(ner).  I'm not any more mature or organized than I was when it was still technically summer.  But I feel like I've found the happy medium between Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Homeschooling Smarty Pants Mama.  I need to think of a different literary reference.

I know!! I've become Anna Karenin.  Can I break free from the torment of loving my homeschooling, clutter-filled life?  Can I reconcile with the strict expectations of an organized home?  Will I throw myself in front of the train or not?

It might look like it is just a very cluttered desk.  But it's a train.  Trust me.  Stay tuned.

~Stephanie



Living in fear. Like, making a home there, and putting up curtains.

Last night, i couldn't sleep. I just was laying there, staring at the clock. 2:35-2:36-2:37. Should i just go clean? Reorganize the bill and calendar box? Pretty sure 11yr old left dishes FULL of food in her attic bedroom from the playdate on Monday. I've been asking her every day to bring them down. I didn't do the dishes in the sink last night. It might be nice tomorrow, and i can't open the windows because spiders have made a home in the screens. What if one of my kids gets sick? What if I get sick? What if the husb trips at training today and falls off a mountain? (don't worry, my dear Mother in Law, he won't:) ) What will i do with my LIFE when all my kids leave me? I don't want them to leave me. I won't be able to blame anyone but me for the house. Because lets face it, it's probably 35% kids 15% husb, and 50% my laziness.

I want to do everything right, and i don't.
I want to help people more, but i'm tired or i don't want the obligation.
I want to be nice. I'm not.
I want to be encouraging to others. That would require me to be more friendly.
I want to be a rockstar at homeschool, but it is SO. MUCH. WORK. I hate math.
I don't want to be the grownup.
I want the kids to have an amazing, happy childhood, and i think i am failing at that.
...will they just remember me sighing REALLY loudly and mournfully, see THAT look of disappointment on my face, while i look out the window at the "fort" they are excitedly showing me, that is in full view of the street? The fort made of yarn, paper, and lawn furniture tied into a giant knot.

When i take the time to fold the laundry, have them come get their pile, and i walk past their room and see they threw it on the floor...i can feel IT bubbling up. Anger, worthlessness, sadness. I feel like i have friends who are able to laugh at these things. And i just want to go on a rampage, throwing things, ripping down curtains - go all Hulk on them. Because THAT would teach them. Riiiight. It's laundry. WHO. CARES. But in the moment, i suuuper care.

I'm just tired of fear being the base of so much of my day.
Fear that i am failing as a Mom, when my kids couldn't care less - they remember the same things i remember about my Mom, hugs, big breakfasts, laughing, crafts, reading books, the best holidays ever, 16 kinds of Christmas cookies, and being in an amazing environment of love.
Fear that i am failing as a wife, because he had to find his own socks, or the weight i gained...again, or the house wasn't pretty when he got home, or i don't know what's for dinner yet. My husband couldn't care less. He is a million percent happy with me. Why do i put all this on myself??
Fear that i am failing at school with my kids. Because i still am not ready to commit to the school year yet. Because i usually don't know what the heck other homeschool Mom's are talking about with curriculum (and, i will admit, it's because i don't want to). Because my kids aren't named Moses-Ezekiel and Hadassah-Mary, and they don't speak Greek and do advanced calculus at 4 years old. SO WHAT! I swear, i spend so much time making up fears for myself, then feeling like i don't fit in anywhere, it's totally ridiculous. The homeschool "society" in general is the most friendly, accepting group ever. I put this on myself. I do.
Fear of my own laziness. Now this is legit. 2 legit 2 quit. And it's going to be a battle.

*disclaimer: i will never, ever be one of the super moms who likes to be busy, so don't pray for that. i love being home with my kids and husband! i don't want to be busy every day. ever. it makes me sweaty and angry.

I am scared God will test me in life. I am terrified it's in His plan to take one of my kids early. And i will have to be that strong, Christian woman. I don't think i can do that. AND I DON'T WANT TO BE TESTED ON IT!!! I don't. I should want to. There are Bible verses on that stuff. But i want to live happily every after, go to Disney, and have passable smart kids with little or no effort. Oh, and have someone stop by, see our cute little family, and just give us $50,000. Just because we are so great.

All i'm really saying today is somehow, i want to stop being afraid of things. Like afraid to the point where i don't want to leave my home, or anyone to take my kids anywhere (koo-koo!!). Because somehow, my home is a safety bubble where nothing will go wrong?? That's not true! I TRULY want to replace my fear, inadequacies, and ridiculous worry with God. I always say this, but i feel like i'm always waiting for "it" to start....the perfect that is totally going to fall into my lap. I need to work for it. MAKE it happen. And stop being afraid.

Because fear is boring.
And no one likes a boring girl:)

Thanks for reading my rant...and Happy Thursday:)
~Sue

p.s. i'm not crazy. i'm not depressed. i'm not in need of "special help". blogging is how i work things out. please don't call 911 or stop by without texting, you will see me with makeup smooshed all over my face, sweats with a blown out crotch, and a tee shirt with no bra. and THAT is not good. no one needs that sight burned into their brain. i'm fine. you can just pray for me to stop being a lazy, fearful, whacko! unless you are bringing me donuts. leave them on the porch.