Living in fear. Like, making a home there, and putting up curtains.

Last night, i couldn't sleep. I just was laying there, staring at the clock. 2:35-2:36-2:37. Should i just go clean? Reorganize the bill and calendar box? Pretty sure 11yr old left dishes FULL of food in her attic bedroom from the playdate on Monday. I've been asking her every day to bring them down. I didn't do the dishes in the sink last night. It might be nice tomorrow, and i can't open the windows because spiders have made a home in the screens. What if one of my kids gets sick? What if I get sick? What if the husb trips at training today and falls off a mountain? (don't worry, my dear Mother in Law, he won't:) ) What will i do with my LIFE when all my kids leave me? I don't want them to leave me. I won't be able to blame anyone but me for the house. Because lets face it, it's probably 35% kids 15% husb, and 50% my laziness.

I want to do everything right, and i don't.
I want to help people more, but i'm tired or i don't want the obligation.
I want to be nice. I'm not.
I want to be encouraging to others. That would require me to be more friendly.
I want to be a rockstar at homeschool, but it is SO. MUCH. WORK. I hate math.
I don't want to be the grownup.
I want the kids to have an amazing, happy childhood, and i think i am failing at that.
...will they just remember me sighing REALLY loudly and mournfully, see THAT look of disappointment on my face, while i look out the window at the "fort" they are excitedly showing me, that is in full view of the street? The fort made of yarn, paper, and lawn furniture tied into a giant knot.

When i take the time to fold the laundry, have them come get their pile, and i walk past their room and see they threw it on the floor...i can feel IT bubbling up. Anger, worthlessness, sadness. I feel like i have friends who are able to laugh at these things. And i just want to go on a rampage, throwing things, ripping down curtains - go all Hulk on them. Because THAT would teach them. Riiiight. It's laundry. WHO. CARES. But in the moment, i suuuper care.

I'm just tired of fear being the base of so much of my day.
Fear that i am failing as a Mom, when my kids couldn't care less - they remember the same things i remember about my Mom, hugs, big breakfasts, laughing, crafts, reading books, the best holidays ever, 16 kinds of Christmas cookies, and being in an amazing environment of love.
Fear that i am failing as a wife, because he had to find his own socks, or the weight i gained...again, or the house wasn't pretty when he got home, or i don't know what's for dinner yet. My husband couldn't care less. He is a million percent happy with me. Why do i put all this on myself??
Fear that i am failing at school with my kids. Because i still am not ready to commit to the school year yet. Because i usually don't know what the heck other homeschool Mom's are talking about with curriculum (and, i will admit, it's because i don't want to). Because my kids aren't named Moses-Ezekiel and Hadassah-Mary, and they don't speak Greek and do advanced calculus at 4 years old. SO WHAT! I swear, i spend so much time making up fears for myself, then feeling like i don't fit in anywhere, it's totally ridiculous. The homeschool "society" in general is the most friendly, accepting group ever. I put this on myself. I do.
Fear of my own laziness. Now this is legit. 2 legit 2 quit. And it's going to be a battle.

*disclaimer: i will never, ever be one of the super moms who likes to be busy, so don't pray for that. i love being home with my kids and husband! i don't want to be busy every day. ever. it makes me sweaty and angry.

I am scared God will test me in life. I am terrified it's in His plan to take one of my kids early. And i will have to be that strong, Christian woman. I don't think i can do that. AND I DON'T WANT TO BE TESTED ON IT!!! I don't. I should want to. There are Bible verses on that stuff. But i want to live happily every after, go to Disney, and have passable smart kids with little or no effort. Oh, and have someone stop by, see our cute little family, and just give us $50,000. Just because we are so great.

All i'm really saying today is somehow, i want to stop being afraid of things. Like afraid to the point where i don't want to leave my home, or anyone to take my kids anywhere (koo-koo!!). Because somehow, my home is a safety bubble where nothing will go wrong?? That's not true! I TRULY want to replace my fear, inadequacies, and ridiculous worry with God. I always say this, but i feel like i'm always waiting for "it" to start....the perfect that is totally going to fall into my lap. I need to work for it. MAKE it happen. And stop being afraid.

Because fear is boring.
And no one likes a boring girl:)

Thanks for reading my rant...and Happy Thursday:)
~Sue

p.s. i'm not crazy. i'm not depressed. i'm not in need of "special help". blogging is how i work things out. please don't call 911 or stop by without texting, you will see me with makeup smooshed all over my face, sweats with a blown out crotch, and a tee shirt with no bra. and THAT is not good. no one needs that sight burned into their brain. i'm fine. you can just pray for me to stop being a lazy, fearful, whacko! unless you are bringing me donuts. leave them on the porch.

Top Ten Reasons Why I'm Glad Summer's Ending

Sunset in the Florida Keys while on a 14 yr. anniversary date with my hubby

As the sun sets on summer <sigh> I now must make my list about why it is so lovely that it is all coming to an end....<ahem>

Top Ten Reasons Why I'm Glad Summer's Ending

10. It won't be so hot. 

(Nevermind... we live in NJ & it could be hot until November...)

9.The kids can't wait to start school. 

Um... no, they can wait...

8.There are so many yummy Fall foods to look forward to. 

Oh wait... then, I will gain some more 

unnecessary pregnancy pounds...

<sigh> So, it's settled.  I can not go on with this list.

I'm really sad that summer is ending. 

Really.

Top Ten Reason Why I'm Sad Summer's Ending

10. I really do love the summer even if it is hot. 

9. My house is cleanest in the summer, so it only goes downhill from here.

8. I have to spend less time reading "fun" books like 

"The Hunger Games" and spend more time reading... curriculum.

7. I have to start nesting again, because the baby needs a bedroom.

6. I have SO much work to do with my business, home, school, and church.

5. My schedule is about to intensify. 

4. I'm at the point in the pregnancy where I'm remembering how little sleep I have left before I embark on the journey of endless sleeplessness for an undetermined amount of time. 

3. Though I am passionate about home educating my children and my children generally like homeschool, the thought of school beginning is still not a fun thought right after we've returned from a fantastic, relaxing vacation.

2. I will be gaining more weight over the next few weeks from delicious Fall foods that I love, and the pounds might take a while to come off.

1. The baby- though we might have atleast narrowed it down- still remains nameless until my husband and I can come to an agreement.

Really, when I think about it,

I'm just lamenting that I have to be a grown-up after returning from such a relaxing, worry-free vacation. 

I like being a grown-up... sometimes...maybe... 

Just not when the summer is ending...:)

My hubby and littlest guy fishing on vacation.

~Michelle

Mushiness

I guess it's my turn to put out a "mushy" post.  So, I apologize in advance that this is probably not going to be the most entertaining post from me.  It will, however, just as with my other posts, be an honest post from me. 

I have a confession to make.  

I know a lot of people.  Most people assume that I have a lot of friends, because I know so many people.  Truthfully, though I know a lot of amazing people, there are a much smaller group of people who are truly my good friends.  

This isn't because people don't want to "be my friend."  There are a TON of people who are friendly with me, and I try to generally be a friendly person toward anyone I meet.  Now, I'm certain on the other hand that there are people who absolutely don't want to be friends with me, and their reasons could be as simple as us just not having enough in common- which is completely fine with me.  

So, if that's not the case...Why?

There are just a number a possibilities.  Maybe, I'm afraid of being hurt, because we've all been hurt by friends before.  Possibly, it's just that I've just never been the type of person to label people in my life as my "bff" or even have a regular "girls' night out" over the years.  Quite honestly, it could even simply be that there is not enough room in my schedule to try to maintain a healthy marriage with my best, true friend- my husband, manage my home, raise my children, teach my children, be active in ministry, and work part-time periodically.  There are plenty of people who might say that they would love to be true friends with me, but we just don't have the same life schedules so that we can nurture our friendship.  To put it simply: There are just not enough hours in the day.  

A few years ago something changed.

I can't put my finger on exactly what it was, but there was a change.  Maybe, it was me.  Perhaps, I was more vulnerable to the idea of cultivating more true friendships.  Sure, I had a few good friends already, and I certainly wasn't going out to try to "up" my "true friends" number.  Time was still limited, and I was still busy as usual.  

Well, whatever it was that changed, I'm glad that it did.  And, I'm better off for it.  Over recent years, I have been enriched with some amazing, true friendships- including but not limited to the lovely ladies I collaborate with on this blog.  And, there have been a few truths that I have discovered and that I love about these friendships:

1. I love that we are not all the same. It would be so BORING, to be friends with a whole bunch of people just like me.  I LOVE and honestly appreciate our differences and how our differences enrich each one another's lives.

2. Distance doesn't matter. Though distance separates me from some of my true friends and I'm not able to see them all regularly, when we talk or connect (even after a long time of not seeing one another!) the bond and memories we share come back instantaneously.  I love that.  

3.  And, of course, one more thing always remains steady about these true friendships:  Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family. Proverbs 18:24 (The Message version) When a friendship is true, it is reciprocal.  I love how with my truest of friends we take turns carrying each other's burdens and encouraging one another.  

So, this is just my kind of "mushy" tribute to those who have enriched my life over the years in ways I didn't see coming and fulfilled needs I didn't even know that I had.  Thank you, true friends. 

~Michelle

And then the baby sleeps, so i stay up worrying...sounds about right.

Last night was a poop sandwich. Eloquent, i know. It just was. Little cranky-muffin was up every hour on the hour...crying...i would get up, do the Mom thing (yes, this means still nursing an almost 18 month old, whatevs), put her down, tip-toe out of the room....literally whispering to myself, "please leave me alone now", then i proceeded to trip over the shopping cart the husband said we HAD to buy her. Just because she was cute pushing it at Target.

The cart and blurry #5

Then, *stand still, not breathing*....nothing noise-wise from the crib, i continue stealthily out of the room. Slloooooowly shut the door, go climb into bed. Husband explodes from a certain end. Mmm-hmm. Then i'm laying there, gagging, and squishing my eyes shut, trying to make myself go to sleep really fast.

Cranky-muffin is silent....i can sleep....Then it happens. The thinking. Did i pay whatever bill yet? (um, yeah, no, i did not) Cold wash of fear as i think that i totally did not buy curriculum for the next school year yet either. Are they at grade level? Maybe we should do school through the summer....Why did i say no to coloring with 6yr old? What was i even doing that was so important today! JUST COLOR WITH HER! Why did i angrily react to son re-enacting the entire Phillies game for me and saying, "right, mom? right?", about 50 thousand times? Who cares, he just wanted to talk and tell me about something he loves. Argh. Oh man, i know didn't spend enough time with 11yr old daughter, who will soon (because of me not spending time with her) not be interested in spending time with me, and will then spin in a downward circle of drug use and alcoholism. All because i didn't hang out with her, and talk about her favorite part in The Hunger Games. For the 800th time. My 8yr old daughter will surely grow up thinking she was unloved...because she is the quiet one, the one who does not get into trouble...so sometimes, i'm like, "wait...where IS she?"...and she's doing cartwheels in the backyard. And....here's the big one. I don't talk about God enough with them. We don't spend enough time reading the Bible, learning more, memorizing verses...we just don't. It's all my fault.

Why does night bring on this immense guilt about how i spent my day? So much so, that i can't even sleep! I started thinking about how last year at the pool we go to, a boy slipped on the high dive and fell into the pool - JUST missing the cement. And how that could have been my boy. And what if he falls today? What if he dies? And all i did was get annoyed with him, tell him to stop being loud, and i didn't kiss his sweaty boy face and hold his sweaty boy hand at night when we prayed, because he has driven me insane all day, and i just want it OVER with....i just want them all to go to bed, because i am "off the clock" mentally. I laid there crying. No joke. Just doing that silent, shaky, sobbing thing - my ears were full of tears, wet hair, wet pillow. Yikes. Good times.

But how do you do it....how do you live every day, every minute, in a loving way towards your kids? I WANT TO! i do. I love them more than anything. They are each a miracle, amazing, special...But wow. It is a really hard part of life! But i waaaaant to *whining*. I want to be that Mom, who is interested in everything, hugs constantly, never is short with the kids, never just goes, "yeah", or "mm-hmm" in THAT voice....you know the one. The kind of high, placating tone that your Mom might have made those same noises to YOU in as a kid...i just want to be present, you know? Enjoy them, where they are, in the moment. Not say, "ok, in a minute" - which i totally just said because 6yr old "needs" hot tea. :/ If something happens to me, i want them to remember i loved them SO much...not that i was some lady who screamed all the time. So that's it for now. I just want to work on this part of me...but i also want them to go to bed at 8:30pm and not speak to me until 8:30am. Hmm....
~Sue