Living in fear. Like, making a home there, and putting up curtains.

Last night, i couldn't sleep. I just was laying there, staring at the clock. 2:35-2:36-2:37. Should i just go clean? Reorganize the bill and calendar box? Pretty sure 11yr old left dishes FULL of food in her attic bedroom from the playdate on Monday. I've been asking her every day to bring them down. I didn't do the dishes in the sink last night. It might be nice tomorrow, and i can't open the windows because spiders have made a home in the screens. What if one of my kids gets sick? What if I get sick? What if the husb trips at training today and falls off a mountain? (don't worry, my dear Mother in Law, he won't:) ) What will i do with my LIFE when all my kids leave me? I don't want them to leave me. I won't be able to blame anyone but me for the house. Because lets face it, it's probably 35% kids 15% husb, and 50% my laziness.

I want to do everything right, and i don't.
I want to help people more, but i'm tired or i don't want the obligation.
I want to be nice. I'm not.
I want to be encouraging to others. That would require me to be more friendly.
I want to be a rockstar at homeschool, but it is SO. MUCH. WORK. I hate math.
I don't want to be the grownup.
I want the kids to have an amazing, happy childhood, and i think i am failing at that.
...will they just remember me sighing REALLY loudly and mournfully, see THAT look of disappointment on my face, while i look out the window at the "fort" they are excitedly showing me, that is in full view of the street? The fort made of yarn, paper, and lawn furniture tied into a giant knot.

When i take the time to fold the laundry, have them come get their pile, and i walk past their room and see they threw it on the floor...i can feel IT bubbling up. Anger, worthlessness, sadness. I feel like i have friends who are able to laugh at these things. And i just want to go on a rampage, throwing things, ripping down curtains - go all Hulk on them. Because THAT would teach them. Riiiight. It's laundry. WHO. CARES. But in the moment, i suuuper care.

I'm just tired of fear being the base of so much of my day.
Fear that i am failing as a Mom, when my kids couldn't care less - they remember the same things i remember about my Mom, hugs, big breakfasts, laughing, crafts, reading books, the best holidays ever, 16 kinds of Christmas cookies, and being in an amazing environment of love.
Fear that i am failing as a wife, because he had to find his own socks, or the weight i gained...again, or the house wasn't pretty when he got home, or i don't know what's for dinner yet. My husband couldn't care less. He is a million percent happy with me. Why do i put all this on myself??
Fear that i am failing at school with my kids. Because i still am not ready to commit to the school year yet. Because i usually don't know what the heck other homeschool Mom's are talking about with curriculum (and, i will admit, it's because i don't want to). Because my kids aren't named Moses-Ezekiel and Hadassah-Mary, and they don't speak Greek and do advanced calculus at 4 years old. SO WHAT! I swear, i spend so much time making up fears for myself, then feeling like i don't fit in anywhere, it's totally ridiculous. The homeschool "society" in general is the most friendly, accepting group ever. I put this on myself. I do.
Fear of my own laziness. Now this is legit. 2 legit 2 quit. And it's going to be a battle.

*disclaimer: i will never, ever be one of the super moms who likes to be busy, so don't pray for that. i love being home with my kids and husband! i don't want to be busy every day. ever. it makes me sweaty and angry.

I am scared God will test me in life. I am terrified it's in His plan to take one of my kids early. And i will have to be that strong, Christian woman. I don't think i can do that. AND I DON'T WANT TO BE TESTED ON IT!!! I don't. I should want to. There are Bible verses on that stuff. But i want to live happily every after, go to Disney, and have passable smart kids with little or no effort. Oh, and have someone stop by, see our cute little family, and just give us $50,000. Just because we are so great.

All i'm really saying today is somehow, i want to stop being afraid of things. Like afraid to the point where i don't want to leave my home, or anyone to take my kids anywhere (koo-koo!!). Because somehow, my home is a safety bubble where nothing will go wrong?? That's not true! I TRULY want to replace my fear, inadequacies, and ridiculous worry with God. I always say this, but i feel like i'm always waiting for "it" to start....the perfect that is totally going to fall into my lap. I need to work for it. MAKE it happen. And stop being afraid.

Because fear is boring.
And no one likes a boring girl:)

Thanks for reading my rant...and Happy Thursday:)
~Sue

p.s. i'm not crazy. i'm not depressed. i'm not in need of "special help". blogging is how i work things out. please don't call 911 or stop by without texting, you will see me with makeup smooshed all over my face, sweats with a blown out crotch, and a tee shirt with no bra. and THAT is not good. no one needs that sight burned into their brain. i'm fine. you can just pray for me to stop being a lazy, fearful, whacko! unless you are bringing me donuts. leave them on the porch.

Wishing i was really-really smart and knew stuff that mattered. Not just weird facts about old Hollywood stars.

I seriously keep wanting to learn more....read more. Get all kindsa fancy degrees. Any degree. *shout out to my 1 yr Bible college that got me....um...nada. no offense. fun year though. wait, it probably wasn't supposed to be fun. crap.*

Like, when we watched the new Sherlock Holmes movie, i was all (to myself - i know better than to say things aloud about my quest for knowledge), "i am going to start reading crazy smart books. you don't even know. CRAZY. SMART. and i will know things that are sooo amazing. i will be able to enter into conversation with not just homeschool moms, but anyone!!!"

Then we leave the movie theater, and i realize *other than time wisely spent looking up white sundresses on Amazon*, i kind of don't have time to read stuff. Max Planck will have to wait. Although, i might get some points for knowing who Max Planck is. And i only got that from another book i read. But it wasn't a smart book. It was historic fiction. Hopefully Max Planck is real. Just kidding, he totally is. I googled him to make sure, but accidentally instead of typing, "Max Planck books" (for my "i'm going to read smart books" list) i wrote, "Max Planck boobs". Delightful type-o. Brings me to another point, why is it a type-o? WHAT DOES THE O STAND FOR? omission? oops? ....ohnoispelledthatwrong?

Wait for me...Max Planck. Shhh. Wait for me. *whispered*

Anyway...you get the idea. If i have no way, or no time, to do these things, i want to get smarter. I really do. Then if i have a few minutes, and *could* be reading something that is not garbage, i take that time to order more Black Tiger K-cups. Mainly because i think the name is funny. *sigh* it's true. Or go on People.com and see who is pregnant and looks amazing.

I personally feel that if you want to get smarter, you better be doing it before having kids. Because after kids, you need to embrace the raging, wandering around not knowing what you are looking for, blithering idiot you will become. Either you don't have time, because you are genuinely busy with important stuff, OR you do have time, and (for the ladies like me) you are like, "oooh Jessica Simpson's baby is sooooo cute....i better read that article."

Unfortunately, i have friends who are super smart and get smarter. And have degrees. And went ahead and became nurses and such. Run various businesses, and have endless ideas for more. Worked in the Navy. I want you to know, i hate you. But i love you though. But i'm really mad. But i love you. *no, i do NOT really hate you. it is pure childish envy/jealousy/stomping off and kicking stuff.*

Also burning my hot cross buns further, the fact that my brothers and sisters are totally smart. And crafty. I am basically the um...the...the one with 4 girls and a boy. My claim to fame. Which is cancelled out by the fact that my brother has 4 boys and a girl. Weird, right? But i can accept that. Because at some point, someone will need to know what Cary Grant's REAL name was, or where he was born. Perhaps for the newspaper quiz. The newspaper that they read, and i used to make hats.

They will be stumped. They will be angry. And that is where i will come in.

Archibald Alexander Leach

~Sue